Final Edited Script – Never Produced:

Friar Tuck – The BIg Hole

© 2011 Shields Bialasik – EDITED FINAL VERSION

It was another warm summer day when Friar Tuck decided it was time to plant the carrots in his garden. He had chosen a spot directly in the middle, a spot known for having soft soil and good drainage. The carrots would love it here and grow to be big and delicious.

All Friar Tuck would need to do would be to dig a small hole and plant the seeds. Ralph would then do the daily watering and take care of everything else. Within four to five weeks, the carrots would be ready to eat. Friar Tuck and Ralph loved carrots, but Friar Tuck actually loved something just a little bit more, as I will tell you next. 

Now, I don’t know if you know very much about hamsters, but if there is one thing which all hamsters love to do, that is to dig holes. Yes, hamsters in particular are especially known for their love of digging deep holes, and Friar Tuck was no exception to this rule. Friar Tuck loved digging holes so much, that once he started he was almost impossible to stop. Ralph should have remembered and planted the seeds himself this day.

This however was not the case, and it didn’t take long before Friar Tuck began digging the first holes for the carrots; and once he started, HE DID NOT STOP! In fact, only one of two things can stop a hamster from digging, that being either fresh pretzels or the presence of a giant rock. Hamsters are literally unstoppable and this one little hole that Friar Tuck had started digging was now quickly growing.

Deeper, deeper, and deeper…

Friar Tuck was now digging furiously, hunched forward, digging with his front two legs, pushing, pulling and scratching the soil loose. He then used his back legs to kick the dirt clear out of the hole and into the air. As the dirt flew out of the hole, it began falling all around, in particular covering the surrounding garden beds and plants.

By now, Ralph had long forgotten about Friar Tuck’s little project, and was himself inside reading. He was reading about pest management and identification for organic gardens. After all you might remember what happened to Friar Tuck and Ralph’s garden last year, the year when they brought home Fat King Max!

Ralph had decided this wasn’t going to happen again and was now quizzing himself on all sorts of destructive garden pests, NOT TO BRING HOME AS PETS!

Out in the garden, Friar Tuck had continued digging; the hole had now grown gigantic in size and deep. Suddenly, just as Friar Tuck was digging, his claws scratched against something very hard.

Was it a giant rock?

Friar Tuck scratched again; he had hit something solid. It was a rock. He bent down, took his paw, and, reaching forward, he began wiping the dirt away. What was this thing? His entire attention had now shifted from the obsession to dig a deep hole to pure curiosity. What had he found?

It glimmered in the sunlight and that’s when Friar Tuck jumped into the air with excitement!
“GOLD… GOLD… I’ve hit GOLD!!”

Friar Tuck was now cheering with delight! Indeed, a sparkling metal was shining back at him from inside the deep hole. Now please remember Ralph had still been inside this entire time reading. The entire time that Friar Tuck had dug a hole, now as deep as a school bus, and completely buried the existing garden.

“Ralph,” he shouted… “GET ME A SHOVEL!”
“I’ve found gold… I’ve found gold!”

Now Friar Tuck’s great grandfather had been a gold miner, and he had made his fortune digging tunnels in the east. He loved every minute of it and Friar Tuck had grown up with all sorts of wild stories about digging and hunting for gold. In fact, it might just have been one of those stories which possessed Friar Tuck this day to do what he did, but you will find this out soon.

Friar Tuck continued yelling.

“Ralph… Ralph… I’ve hit GOLD!”

Inside the house, Ralph only heard the faintest sound and he kept reading. In fact, he was just starting the best chapter of the book Miserable Moths & Other Disasters page 142.

Friar Tuck yelled again, but then continued to keep digging. Maybe he would be able to pull this gold out himself… He dug down again, his claws now scraping against sharp metal. He was now certain he had hit gold and he yelled one last time at the top of his lungs.

“RALPH, BRING ME A SHOVEL… – I’VE FOUND GOLD!” This time Ralph did hear Friar Tuck.

Only it sounded like: Ding… De… Da… Dovel… – Dive… Down Dold.
That didn’t make any sense to Ralph, but it sounded important, so he came running anyways.

Right out the back door he ran, nearly falling straight into the giant pit!
“Whoa… Friar Tuck, what on earth are you doing?” And then he realized what had happened.

“Ahhh… NO!!!… You didn’t…,” – BUT HE HAD!

“MY GARDEN,” he screamed! “You’ve buried by garden.”

Friar Tuck though had no time for regrets, no time for apologies, only gold!
He immediately began sharing the good news. “GOLD, RALPH!!!… I’ve found GOLD… Lots of it!”

Now at that very moment, the sun was shining directly over head and it might have been at the exact moment that Ralph stared into the hole only to see a sparkling light coming back up at him. Indeed, it was gold!

“Friar Tuck,” he exclaimed, “GOLD… GOLD… GOLD…!”

Ralph had forgotten his buried garden and had now caught the gold fever.
“Quick,” said Friar Tuck… “we need to get this out of here.”
“I need a pickaxe to dig it out!”

Now a pickaxe is used for breaking up something very hard and that’s what Friar Tuck would need to have in order to chop this gold out of the ground.

Ralph quickly jumped to attention and then sprung into action. To the shed he headed. All the garden tools had been stored here, and he knew this was exactly where the pickaxe would be. Into the shed he headed. It was a small and dingy space created by the old man who had owned the property before Friar Tuck and Ralph.

The shed was the place Friar Tuck and Ralph threw everything they didn’t want in order to keep the clutter out of the garden. In other words, the shed was a giant and dark mess!

Carefully, Ralph began stepping over tools, tricycles, and traps of all sorts, working his way towards the back corner. This is where the pickaxe would be, tucked away in a quiet corner, away from the overly eager Friar Tuck. You see, hiding your digging tools is a good thing to do when you are around hamsters.

Suddenly, Ralph froze in place; something was hanging from the ceiling just above his head. The word “Snake” rolled across his lips, but he didn’t make a squeak. Not a muscle in his body moved. The few seconds that he stood still seemed like an infinity, until it suddenly dawned on him that this was indeed only an old garden hose hung over the rafter.

“Ha,” he said to himself, “this gives me a good idea! I’ll set a trap for Friar Tuck and the next time he comes into the shed, he WILL think this is a snake!” Quickly, he pulled down the garden hose and coiled it into a snake-like figure. He then took the nozzle and folded it upwards. It looked exactly like a snake, a cobra to be precise; who was just about to strike. He chuckled to himself as he closed the door to the shed. Ralph had been careful not to disturb the sleeping snake on his way out.

Back in the garden, Friar Tuck was deep at the bottom of the hole. All you could hear was the steady digging and scratching of a hamster hard at work. If gold was truly in that hole, then this pickaxe would surely do the trick. The pickaxe was large, almost as big as Ralph and extremely heavy. Ralph heaved it over his shoulder and made his way to the edge of the hole.

“FOUND IT!” he yelled.

Friar Tuck barely looked up to take notice. He was now polishing off the gold with his furry foot.

“Ralph… will you look at this… It’s gold… real gold right here in our own back yard.”
Suddenly, Ralph was now back to thinking about his garden. Buried and ruined for another season.
Last season, Fat King Max had visited, and now this.

Ralph stepped forward and prepared to drop the pickaxe. “Watch out below,” he yelled. The axe then dropped out of his hands and quickly fell to the bottom of the pit. I’m not sure whether he dropped it accidentally or he simply let it go.

“Whack,” the pickaxe hit the ground.
“Hey, watch it with that, you almost crushed me,” Friar Tuck said.

“I told you to be careful,” was Ralph’s only reply.

“Just wait one minute and you’ll be dancing with delight. This is the biggest chunk of gold I have ever seen.”
Now Friar Tuck picked up the pickaxe and prepared to do his job.

“Give me a drum roll please,” yelled Friar Tuck from the bottom of the pit.
Though he was not happy, Ralph decided he was going to play along.
If this was really gold, then indeed this would be a good day.

“Now on the count of three,” Friar Tuck began. “Drum roll please.” Ralph pressed his lips together and began flapping them together to make the drum roll. Spit was flying everywhere!

Friar Tuck picked up the pickaxe and put it over his shoulder.
“Four, Three, Two…” he counted out loud.
“ONE,” he shouted… “BLAST OFF!!”

Without hesitation, Friar Tuck had taken a full and swift swing of the pickaxe.

What happened next you might ask?

Well, it’s actually quite unbelievable, but it wasn’t gold that Friar Tuck hit; instead, it was a buried water pipe, the main water pipe! The pipe went directly underneath of the garden and into the house.

Before Friar Tuck knew what happened, a stream of water rocketed out of the ruptured pipe and straight up into the air. It looked like a spectacular water fountain. So much pressure had burst out of the pipe that the water was literally shooting up nearly fifteen feet or higher into the air.

Ralph screamed.

Friar Tuck screamed.

All hope for gold was lost.

The fountain was splashing down everywhere and the dirt sides of the pit were quickly turning into a mud slide. Friar Tuck quickly ran to the side and tried to climb out. It was too slippery though and he slid back into the pool of water, now quickly forming at the bottom of the hole.

“Quick, Ralph… Help… Help… Get me a life vest!
A life boat!

Ralph couldn’t move though, he was stunned; or, as others might say, his gold fever had been cured, and he was in pure shock, disbelief, perhaps even grief.

He could not believe his eyes. His lovely garden was turning into a giant bird bath equipped with its own fifteen-foot fountain.

Suddenly, the voice of Friar Tuck re-entered Ralph’s head.

Friar Tuck was in distress, specifically for two reasons.
First of all, the pit was rapidly filling with water; and secondly, because hamsters really can’t stand water unless they are already wet.

Friar Tuck was certainly stuck and the water was filling faster and faster and faster.

Now Ralph who had been a little slow to begin with suddenly jumped into action. “Friar Tuck, which life vest do you want? Do you want the blue one or red one?”

Of course, at this point you would think that Friar Tuck did not care, but he actually did have a preference.
“Get me the red life vest… and my goggles too!”

“OK,” replied Ralph and into the house he headed. They kept the life vests in the front closet. Opening the closet door, he looked inside, expecting to see the red life jacket, but instead there was only the blue one.
“Darn it,” he said. “We must have left the red life jacket at the lake.”

He dashed back outside to tell Friar Tuck.
“I think we left the red life jacket at the lake.”

“Bummer,” was Friar Tuck’s reply. “Well then, can you get me my pink floaties?”

“Sure,” yelled Ralph and back into the house he ran. He knew exactly where these were located. On top of the old shoe box in the front closet next to the umbrellas.

Ralph scooped up the floaties, including a blue and green set for himself, and then began blowing them up as he ran back across the house. By the time he had made it back out to the garden, the entire hole had filled with water.

“Jump in, the water’s great,” Friar Tuck yelled. Friar Tuck had now floated to the top and was swimming back strokes around the small pond. Ralph looked in amazement; Friar Tuck had succeeded in creating his own swimming pool.

“Ralph, come on in, I think I see a fish in here!”

Ralph couldn’t resist. The pool looked just perfect and it was a boiling hot day.
“CANNON BALL,” he yelled… now making such a large splash that he nearly sunk Friar Tuck.

Friar Tuck and Ralph splashed around all afternoon; and I would like to say that this was the end of the story, but it wasn’t. The water never did stop coming out of that pipe, way down below at the bottom of the pond. Instead, the water kept slowly rising and rising and rising.

But, on this very day, Friar Tuck and Ralph did not notice. Instead, after a very long afternoon of swimming, they headed inside for a foot massage, fresh lasagna, and a good night’s rest.

What happened next remains to be told; but until then, just remember that even if you do find a large piece of gold in your back yard, make sure it’s not a water pipe.

Also, it’s probably best to work in the front yard not the garden!

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